Utter Optimism (pre Pregnancy Journal, Summer 2015)

Summer 2015

Optimism, according to dictionary.com, is 

1.  a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

2.  the belief that good ultimately predominates over evil in the world.

3.  the belief that goodness pervades reality.

4.  the doctrine that the existing world is the best of all possible worlds.

Whether I like it or not, Number 1 is basically a definition of me and my personality.  

Okay, so Number 4 is a little off the deep end, even for me.  And "predominates" and "pervades" sound just a bit strong.  But, hard as I try, I cannot deny - I am an optimist.   I wear the 'rose' colored glasses.  The glass is half full; mostly full really, I mean really.   

To make matters worse, I call myself a realist.  I've often claimed to be a realistic optimist.  I guess that's when you really know it's bad, you just cannot believe those naysayers. 

This picture is something I saw recently on the internet, by Zhou Jixuan, and when I saw it, I instantly felt bad for those poor pessimists.  I just know in my heart, that life is so much more fun as an optimist. 

But of course that's not the point of this blog post.... 

I wonder, oh I wish, I could just not be so darn optimistic sometimes.  I actually don't think that whether you're an optimist or a pessimist is much of a choice.  For me anyway, it feels like how I am hard wired.  

Not exactly the same thing, but I've always been a cheerleader.  Although I didn't have the physical coordination or talent to actually be a great cheerleader, my "late bloomer" status through middle and high school helped me early on.  Plus, I'm just naturally enthusiastic.  As my best friend from college recalls well, I would cheer my teammates along while running, even if I was being lapped!  (Yes, I know, this makes me sound a little crazy! -- but it's true, and I just cannot help myself.) 

Maybe a nicer way to describe it, is that one of my spiritual gifts is being an encourager?  But, I digress. 

To the point of this blog entry, many times, through the emotional rollercoaster of our family planning, I've wished I could be more pessimistic.  Building up walls to prevent further heartbreak sounds like a pretty wise choice to me.  And I'm scared of another pregnancy loss, yes I am scared.  But I'm also optimistic that it won't happen.  And there is no good reason for that kind of crazy optimism. 

After my miscarriages, more than a year ago now, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Sjogren's, which theoretically could have impacted things.  To get pregnant, I had to come off my disease modifying agent over the past few months -- this alone should be reason to be wary.  Instead, I can't wait to see what will happen.

Pessimists may call me a fool.  Sometimes, I feel like a fool.

My husband and I are planning another pregnancy attempt.  The final attempt.  The all hands on deck, go big or go home attempt.  And I think I probably shouldn't be, but I'm feeling optimistic.