The preparation, home study, and education required prior to bringing a foster child into our home is practically identical to the process for a newborn adoption. Of course, we expected fostering a 4-year-old to feel different than adopting a newborn. But how?
First, let me set the stage. In November 2020, here were our family dynamics: I am a healthcare administrator who had been working from home since May. My husband an academic cardiologist working at the hospital, working a good bit of weekend overtime for COVID. Nanny takes kids to and from school, they'd been 2 days at school, 3 at home, until December when they returned to full-time in-school instruction.
Kids:
#1: 10-year-old high-energy boy, 4th grade
#2: 6-year-old high-energy boy, kindergartener and biological half-brother to the newest little guy
#3: 4-year-old easy-going boy, pre-K
In December we brought home:
#4: 4-year-old boy, and biological half brother to the 6-year-old
Every parent and every child is different; but for us, many parts of adopting an older child have been easier, at least on the surface, than they might have been if the child had been a newborn. Probably most notably, there have been no sleepless nights. There's a constant need that a newborn brings which a 4-year-old does not and we're thankful we haven't had to negotiate all that.
The day before I left to pick up #4, I began a 3-month leave-of-absence (LOA) from work to take care of him and integrate him into our family. Of note, this was perfectly well received by all of my colleagues and superiors at work. In and outside of work, though, I'm certain some people have wondering if and why this was necessary. Even we wondered briefly if the sacrifice would really be needed and feel worth it.
The plan for this LOA was to be able to be fully focused on the newest member of the family and the whole family, without the distraction of work which often tends to takes a front seat when you're in healthcare administration (particularly during a pandemic) or a physician. The plan was to be my best self, in tip-top parenting shape. And I'd like to think that I was able to accomplish that (for at least 10 of these 12 weeks anyway).
We knew that all four kids deserved this. We knew they'd be hungry for it, but we didn't know exactly how that would look, how it would show up, until we lived it.
A great deal of these three months has been filled with laughter and love. Our newest member has a contagious laugh, that's apparently genetic because it sounds just like his biological half-brother! He loves to be chased and tickled and fits right into the Pfeiffer wrestling club. He is an expert on the scooter, sings twinkle-twinkle and the ABC's, and loves to hammer on the piano. I think he self-soothes with music. He's naturally kind and friendly. As mentioned, he sleeps through the night and also eats well. He began preschool with #3 after we got off of our travel quarantine.
But this was also my hardest parental leave of all. Perhaps that's true for all fourth-time parents. Maybe every subsequent new-child-leave is harder for the parents. While the act of parenting gets easier because there's not as much uncharted territory to negotiate, the unprecedented nature of the new volume of children is perhaps always more challenging at first. Reactions of the children who were already present in the home to the newest addition aren't unique to foster children, they happen with newborns and biologicals too. However, in our experience the 4-year-old who can hide your stuff and hit back was definitely a little more challenging than a simple fussy baby. In our home-study training we had learned that foster children may go through a "honeymoon" phase that lasts 4-6 weeks and this was one of the many reasons I elected to take the full 12 weeks allowed by my employer.
While our family became integrated and relationships began to forge, there have been many battles too. Initially these were over toys but then #2 requested, "Santa better bring #4 a lot of Christmas presents!" and Santa obliged, so that part has improved. But the jealousy, whether over things, time, my lap, another's attention, the ability to feed the dogs, or do a chore, is an everyday, perhaps an every hour, facet of our lives that we are constantly negotiating. And thus the continued need to pour into all four of these beautiful boys to help them become their best selves, confident, competent, and capable young men.
Another thing we've learned through these past 3 months is that there is nothing too small to explain in detail, for our newest member. There is nothing you should assume the new guy understands because he has no basis for understanding. Nothing we do is normal to him, our routines are foreign and unfamiliar and our lifestyle has a lot of variables many of which he has yet to be introduced to or discover. Some of this comes from a profound need for reassurance and at other times it's just simple unfamiliarity.
Constant education about what we do and why we do it, about our jobs, careers, what the hospital is, what it means to be a doctor and what it means to be a nanny. It's amazing how much you take for granted a four year foundation when it's grown day by day over the course of four years.
Throughout all this time, the tiresome isolation of the pandemic drew on. Celebrating the holidays in a socially distanced fashion while longing for physical connection with our newly expanded family was a serious period of struggle for me.
Later in January, I went rogue a bit and took advantage of my time off, bringing #3 and #4 to meet a few more family members at the beach house in Florida which was a nice reprieve.
Like with all parenting, the big important moments are unpredictable. You can't plan for them and they don't happen on your time. They cannot be scheduled. The newest boy would open up in the most heart-wrenching but beautiful way, on a drive across town when I couldn't even see his face in the rear-view mirror. The bigger boys would request a family meeting after bedtime when dad still wasn't home. It wasn't always ideal but we had to make it work. And if I wouldn't have taken this precious gift of time (the LOA), for each of us, then it would not have been nearly so achievable.
This dedicated and focused time was a gift for all of us. The time made many things achievable, it didn't make them easy. At 8pm most days, neither Mommy nor Daddy seem to have much energy left. The boys still aren't getting along great. When #1 asks how long will it take until it feels normal, Mommy and Daddy had been saying a year and now we aren't sure if it'll be that soon. In no way do I feel like a failure, I absolutely do feel like a success.... BUT.... there's still so much more work to do. So, we're taking that to the cross and laying it down.
In summary, these past 3 months have been what we expected. They have been rich. Full of love, energy, and emotion. We've been trying to teach all four boys through both actions and words, in little and big moments. Praying they're all trusting us, that they have faith in us and in God, that everything will be alright.
But I am also thankful and proud. I have poured myself into my kids like I haven't in a long time, and I think they've enjoyed and appreciated this. It's been fun for me. I read a few books, like real paper books that I held in my hands. I read dramatically less emails.
My kids got me at my best. Or at least when they got me at my worst, it wasn't because work got the best of me.
During these past 3 months we've sown a lot of seeds. We've toiled.
Digging and watering, digging and watering.
Praying for sun.
Like everything that's worthwhile in parenting, we'll have to wait and see what grows.
