A Reason to Stay

I never wanted to be a statistic, but here I am, one of over 4-million Americans who quit their jobs in July 2021.  They're calling it The Great Resignation, and numbers have continued to increase in August and September. Here’s what The Atlantic had to say: 

Quitting is a concept typically associated with losers and loafers. But this level of quitting is really an expression of optimism that says, We can do better.

I haven't written much about my reasons for resigning because they're complex and largely private.  But, I think 2021 has been the hardest year of my life and 2020 was no cakewalk either.  I wouldn't cite the pandemic as the number one or number two reason for this, but it created a foundation of unease, straining what was an already fragile juggle.  

The passing of my mother-in-law has made this year particularly hard, my husband and I still mourn her loss regularly, because of the way that she enveloped us in both emotional and practical (hear-babysitting) support. Her passing has also reminded me that I'll only live once.  People say 'your kids will only be young once.'  It's become a cliché for a reason; it's true.  Time passes and while working, I only get to bear witness to and influence a fraction of their time.  

Secondarily, the addition of another child into our home has disrupted the balance, leaving the rest of us a little more hungry for attention and focus from one another.  We are all grasping for stands of control, however small, in an attempt to regain some sense of steady state.  There are only so many hours in the day, and as I alluded to in my blog when I first returned to work in February, my family doesn’t always get me at my best if I’ve used up all my empathy and energy at work.  

My 4-million friends and I come from low-earning and high-earning jobs alike, across many disciplines and we cite many reasons; although it seems our logic isn’t as different as our backgrounds may be.  

Healthcare has been particularly hard-hit.  The pandemic has led to an "unprecedented exodus of women from the medical workforce." According to an article written back in October 2020, COVID-19 may have set back women's progress in the workplace back by 25 years, largely citing a lack of child-care options.   

I worry that my resignation may contribute to that set-back.  How will my exodus from a position in upper management affect, consciously or subconsciously, the decisions of the executives who supported me in their future hiring's?  Will they be reluctant in the future to give the next talented and passionate mother with young children a chance?  How can we as a society prevent that?  

As a result of all this, healthcare organizations have recently seen the #GiveHerAReasonToStay campaign, a call to action to find and act on specific ways to support women during this critical time in the industry.  Suggestions from the AMWA based on research in gender-equity, include fair pay, promotion, ensuring adequate time off, child care and a harassment-free workplace.  

Feminists, #heforshe-ers, egalitarians and generally good people, I respect and appreciate what you’re trying to do here, I really do. These changes are honorable and essential.  

Was I paid fair, promoted, given adequate time off, adequate child care and a harassment free workforce?  I cannot give an unrestricted and honest yes on any of those. Let's look at a few of these in more depth: 

Fair Pay?  We talked about my husband being the one to take a step back but that didn't make sense for us.  The least significant of several reasons is that he makes more money, actually about twice as much as me.  It would make for a whole other blog if we were to do the 5-why's on why that is, since I was in upper management and we're both physicians, but I digress.  While money has never been a deciding factor for us in our careers (so very grateful for that enormous privilege), I will continue to pay about $1200/month for the foreseeable future on my medical student loans, so it does play a role in our decisions.  

Time Off?  While working, I felt I was allotted adequate time off. I used mine aggressively in comparison to most of my colleagues, who all seemed to have 300+ hours in their paid-time-off banks, which probably speaks to the majority mindset within our organization; something that sorely needs to change.  

Child Care?  When it comes to the AMWA's mention of adequate child care, I have most certainly struggled with this, particularly since the pandemic began, but I have never once considered it a responsibility of my employer.  (Perhaps the fact that I’ve never considered this as anything other than my own problem says more about my own biases than anything else?)  Although we had a reliable nanny, the combination of my mother-in-law's passing and the unpredictable nature of school closings and quarantines wrought havoc on our back-up options over the past year.  All this caused me to reflect often on a quote I'd scribbled down from a now retired senior executive.  During a merger he gracefully said, "I don't know why independence has been associated with success."  This stuck with me but I applied it to parenting while working outside the home. I have often lamented the fact that I flew so far from my parents nest, missing them and the ability to have their assistance in daily activities with young kids.  

So yeah, I had some unmet needs or expectations there.  However, a single reason to stay, like fair pay, just isn't enough a reason for me. I’m not sure having all would’ve done it for me. I didn't have one reason to go, I had dozens, some I've only just now begun to recognize four months into my resignation. 

After this intense period of sacrifice, and now that I’ve taken my situation in such a wildly new direction, I’ve enjoyed rediscovering my own identity, priorities, triggers and pleasures.  

So, what did I like most about my work?  Being in patient safety, I felt like I made a difference at a macro level advocating for quality healthcare in my community.  I also really loved the authentic relationships I developed with many colleagues and my team.   

Interestingly, though, making a difference isn't what I miss the most since leaving work.  I miss the power of decision making autonomy.  Four unruly children second-guess my decisions more than anyone “at work” ever did.  

I don't miss making a difference, because (maybe it sounds cheesy but) I know that my presence with my kids is making a difference at home more than it was at work.  I can see daily tangible and intangible proofs of this. Maybe that wasn’t always the case... maybe some years ago my impact on our system's quality had been greater, and since losing some of that tangible evidence of or appreciation for my impact, maybe my work became less fulfilling.  I'm not sure.  

What I want to say to those gender equity #GiveHerAReasonToStay campaigners: Thanks.  All organizations should take these measures on to retain their top female talent. For some women in certain situations, they may be reason enough to stay.  However...

You can’t pin the Great Resignation on the trappings of academic medicine or gender inequity.  I’d rather blame the modern life, the myth of perfection, or that busy is the new cool. Our choices need to change just as much as corporate or academic America. 

Maybe our biggest reason to stay is that it's actually easier.  The discontented but passive choice.  It's easier to stay where we're at, miserable but safe, letting the villain in our overworked and overwhelmed lives continue to be the corporation rather than our own choices.  Rather than stepping out in courage to take the reigns on our own lives.  That's not to say the only brave choice is quitting your job.  But, my juggle had become unbearable.  Just check yourself.  Is the chaos in your family exceeding your capacity?  Or are you in a steady state most of the time? If yours is pretty steady, great, I'd recommend checking every 4-6 months.  If you’re grasping for strands of control like I was, look for what you can change.  It might be as dramatic as a change in your work hours or something small like removing a child's extracurricular.  They aren't entitled to it.  It's a privilege, one that our family might not be able to take on right now.  

“We can do better.” 

Yes, I certainly could.  I am choosing better for my family and me.   

While personal and organizational growth fueled me at work, I didn't have any time to stop and enjoy the view.  At work, there was vanishingly small time between large projects.  At home, I felt guilty for ever putting myself first.  Only giving myself permission to run after everyone else was taken care of including the dogs and if the run was only the duration of one tv show for the kids.  When I (often) took time off for vacations or appointments with the kids, I “paid for it” catching up during off hours in the ensuing days and weeks. 

Equity advocates, please don't make me feel guilty for going.  Sometimes, gender inequity is expressed through how much pressure we put on women to "do it all."  Like focusing on your family isn't enough. As if choosing to work below your intellectually maximum capacity is shameful.  

Feeling guilty is no reason to do anything at all.  

In the words of Adam Grant from a recent WSJ article, I've radically started planning my work around my life, instead of the other way around.  And, since that major course correction 4 months ago, the majority emotion I've experienced has been relief.  A destabilizing load of stress has been lifted from my shoulders.  

I've been busier than I expected.  Appointments with 4 kids, my own chronic diseases, therapy for kids and family, plus foster-adoption worker visits take up a remarkable amount of time; but now it's time I have to spare.  

Getting back in shape has also taken time; time I've happily lavished upon myself, free from the weight of any guilt at all. 

Last week I hiked the Appalachian Trail, alone, for four hours.  The trail was very rocky in the Clarks Ferry region of Peters Mountain and sometimes I wandered off the trail unaware.  It was a strenuous hike.  I prayed, sang, sat and ate snacks. I took selfies over the valleys below while balancing on rocks as the wind blew cold at the mountaintop.  It was a beautiful metaphor for this new season of my life.  

This time “off work” hasn't been easy.  Of course, I'm still working occasionally as a hospitalist to keep up my clinical skills and licensure.  But, when I was juggling it all, people would often tell me, "it'll get easier when they get older."  I'm afraid people who believe that are kidding themselves.  It's another myth or trap we fall into.  I don't see it getting easier when my kids are in middle school, discovering their own identity, sexuality, or learning to use social media.  I don't see myself having more time when they're in high school, sports, music or youth group.  We'd do women everywhere a favor if we started getting real about how challenging it is to "have it all."  

Even while choosing to simplify, this year continues to be hard.  

Hard doesn't have to equal unhappy, discontent or disappointed.  We just have to make space for the hard, and honestly I'm really proud of myself for doing just that.  

What I've always known but am just now coming to appreciate is that the love of personal growth that I attributed to work, has been happening in the more home-based parts of my life all along too.  I haven't given that up just because I left corporate management.  Time to think grants perspective.  And Audible happens to work while sitting in a waiting room, gardening or cooking, just like it did commuting. 

Trauma-informed parenting is the most humbling experience of my life, and that's saying a lot considering my four years of medical school.  I've got plenty to learn in this aspect of my life; it's only a slightly different form of leadership.  I'm becoming empathic, observant and wise in new ways everyday, thanks to those wild boys.  

Working with my kids is strenuous and unrelenting at times.  There is also quite a bit of laughter, rest and flexibility.  

Out on the AT, I had the chance to take in the richness of this new season of my life.  It's rocky, so I almost lost my balance a few times and could've fallen or sprained an ankle.  We’ve got a ways to go before we reach steady state.  But if we fall, we can just sit down and rest.  That's a pretty darn big reason to stay (at home). 

If it’s in accordance with His will, maybe there will be another season ahead where balance will come easy and my executive track ego (oops I mean talents) can take the lead.  All I know for sure is that for this season we've entered, I had to turn my focus inward, it was the only right choice for my family right now.  I'm already thankful for the results that choice is producing for my family and me.