True confessions

Today marks a milestone... For the first time in longer than I'd care to admit, I "liked" a picture of a pregnant friend on social media.  About a week ago, I also "liked" a few beautiful baby pictures of 2 acquaintances who've I've been busy judging for the past 6-9 months, while they were pregnant... unfairly... I wasn't wishing them harm, but I was filled with an angry jealousy that often brought tears to my eyes.  A flash of hatred for their joy would pass through me.  Quickly that would be followed by sadness at my own shallow nature and guilt for being so critical. These friends and acquaintances actually do deserve all that's good... I knew it; I just couldn't see past my own grief to be happy for them.

Childish?  Perhaps.  True, nonetheless.

For those of you who haven't experienced the kind of loss and fear that infertility, miscarriage and preterm births bring, seeing others delight in their pregnancy and newborn's is something that's extremely trying for some of us, some of the time. Physical nausea over the sight of a baby-bump, or the thought of a baby shower is more common than you might think.  [Worse yet, the sound of a pregnant woman complaining about her big belly, or the baby kicking.]  I've lamented many manifestations of such jealousy with several friends suffering from difficulties where others innocently complain and seemingly take for granted that which we would give anything for.  But, I digress... although I feel strongly that it's a justified stage and wish some would be more sensitive, for those of us who are (or were) here, it's not us at our best or most healthy. 

So... I share today, with a sense of triumph, that I think I might be getting through this stage!

I'm sure I will still have my moments... for, my reality is different from that 'bump' I "liked" today.  But, I embrace it.  And, I'm thankful to be coming through the "stages of grief" and moving toward a more peaceful place!

Dear Lord,

Please forgive me for my jealousy. 

Guard my heart and my emotions as I recover. 

Take envy from me today, and never let it return.  

Thank you for my countless blessings today and everyday.

Give a special blessing to all those I've judged and help me to do better next time. 

Please also forgive me for the times when, with my first pregnancy

 or perhaps even since then, that I was inconsiderate of another's plight. 

Help guide me and everyone who's had or gets the pleasure of pregnancy,

to always be thoughtful and considerate when celebrating or complaining

 about the joys and challenges of pregnancy and having a newborn. 

Thank you for your providence. 

You reign. 

(close friends who I love very dearly, hopefully you know who you are! please know I never hated you when you were pregnant! This story only applies to friends I don't see much and mostly keep in touch with online.)